Why I fear my illnesses have affected my ability to find love 

Stay with me, this isn’t me pleading to be in a relationship, I guess I just felt the need to write this. 

I suffer from an Inflammatory bowel disease called Ulcerative Colitis.

Ulcerative colitis affects your large bowel and rectum . The lining of these becomes inflamed and ulcers can develop.

I’ve recently accepted my sexuality after years of me blocking out any negativity or discussion surrounding it. 

It’s not easy. 

I haven’t had those experiences you have when you’re young, 

I’ve never been on a proper date, I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve never been in love.  I’m not even sure I know what it feels like?

I struggle to put myself out there when it comes to finding love, there’s always something holding me back, years of not being accepted for who I was has a huge part to play. 

I can’t just forget everything and bare all, how do you approach your numerous issues with someone you want so desperately to like you.

Hey, I’m James, I suffer from frequent depressive episodes and I have a dodgy bowel too…

Let’s get married…

I’m not exactly the picture of health, I’ve sufferered with depression for 7 years and Ulcerative Colitis for 5. 

To myself I can’t possibly see why someone would be attracted to me, my weight has gone from underweight to overweight and so on.

Image isn’t everything I know, I guess I’ve just become reliant on telling myself that I’m better off alone.

I know it’s a lot to do with self acceptance and it’s taken me till the age of 26 to accept who I am. 

I spend the majority of my time on the toilet, if I’m not at work I’m catching up on sleep or I’m on the toilet. You see the pattern?

I don’t really socialise, I don’t online date, I just try and carry on with life as best I can. 

And sometimes that’s hard, really fucking hard…. 

Those days where my body just doesn’t to play, 

Those days where everyone is your enemy ,

Those days when you just want to shut the whole word out. 

I can’t just make plans on a whim and deal with the consequences, I can’t just ‘man up’. 

I am not for one second blaming my illnesses for the lack of love in my life, I know I have some responsibility too. 

There are days where the pain takes over and I can barely move, days where I’ve shit my pants because I’ve not been able to reach the toilet on time. 

I am not my illness but it is a huge part of me and has shaped the person I am and continue to be. 

I’m just a guy, standing in front of you all asking for someone to love me. 

2 thoughts on “Why I fear my illnesses have affected my ability to find love 

  1. Finding love and the fear of being unlovable is one we all face. I suffered UC for only a year or so before my bowel basically exploded and tried killing me. I ended up with a temporary ileostomy and twelve surgeries a permanent one with a barbie butt to boot. My BF at the time wished me dead (lovely bloke I know), throughout the three years of surgeries I did manage to find another to love me but again the anxiety and depression I was suffering made me push him away until he decided I was in the too hard basket. Luckily when I least expected it my sister dragged me out to the races where unbeknownst to me at the time I met the most supportive amazing man that wanted to make me his wife. Long story short it takes time but there is someone out there for you and I hope you find love soon 💜

  2. I know I thought I was in love, and said so, when I wasn’t. It does take time, you have to know what you want and be well enough to seek it. Then you have to find someone who wants the same thing.

    I also think there is some truth in the idea that you have to love yourself to find love.

    You’ll get there my friend, you’ll get there.

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