Stay with me, this isn’t me pleading to be in a relationship, I guess I just felt the need to write this.
I suffer from an Inflammatory bowel disease called Ulcerative Colitis.
Ulcerative colitis affects your large bowel and rectum . The lining of these becomes inflamed and ulcers can develop.
I’ve recently accepted my sexuality after years of me blocking out any negativity or discussion surrounding it.
It’s not easy.
I haven’t had those experiences you have when you’re young,
I’ve never been on a proper date, I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve never been in love. I’m not even sure I know what it feels like?
I struggle to put myself out there when it comes to finding love, there’s always something holding me back, years of not being accepted for who I was has a huge part to play.
I can’t just forget everything and bare all, how do you approach your numerous issues with someone you want so desperately to like you.
“Hey, I’m James, I suffer from frequent depressive episodes and I have a dodgy bowel too…
Let’s get married…
I’m not exactly the picture of health, I’ve sufferered with depression for 7 years and Ulcerative Colitis for 5.
To myself I can’t possibly see why someone would be attracted to me, my weight has gone from underweight to overweight and so on.
Image isn’t everything I know, I guess I’ve just become reliant on telling myself that I’m better off alone.
I know it’s a lot to do with self acceptance and it’s taken me till the age of 26 to accept who I am.
I spend the majority of my time on the toilet, if I’m not at work I’m catching up on sleep or I’m on the toilet. You see the pattern?
I don’t really socialise, I don’t online date, I just try and carry on with life as best I can.
And sometimes that’s hard, really fucking hard….
Those days where my body just doesn’t to play,
Those days where everyone is your enemy ,
Those days when you just want to shut the whole word out.
I can’t just make plans on a whim and deal with the consequences, I can’t just ‘man up’.
I am not for one second blaming my illnesses for the lack of love in my life, I know I have some responsibility too.
There are days where the pain takes over and I can barely move, days where I’ve shit my pants because I’ve not been able to reach the toilet on time.
I am not my illness but it is a huge part of me and has shaped the person I am and continue to be.
I’m just a guy, standing in front of you all asking for someone to love me.