This is by far probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to write.
All throughout my life I’ve struggled to make friends, I’ve struggled even more to keep friends. I’ve never found it easy, I’ve always felt like the odd one out, the insanely jealous friend who has no reason at all to be.
It’s not easy being my friend… I know.
I can maintain a solid friendship for a prolonged period of time, but as soon as something changes no matter how trivial or small it sends me into panic mode. I want to escape.
I’ll push them away. I push them away that much that they never want to speak again.
I get scared,
I get jealous,
My immediate reaction is to pull back, isolate myself from any conversation and revert back to before we even knew one another.
I guess sometimes I expect to much from my friendships, I like to believe I’m not a bad friend, there are so many good qualities in people, we should always focus on the positive qualities and try and ignore the niggling thoughts of doubt.
No one likes being lonely do they? For me I have no one else to blame but myself, some of these people do nothing but support and care about me but I still manage to fuck it up.
To those friends I’ve hurt,
I’m sorry, I wish I was a better friend, I will never forget the support and love you’ve shown me throughout our friendships.
You are not to blame, the blame lies solely with me, I don’t make it easy for us to maintain a friendship, infact I probably make it more difficult that its needs to be.
I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, sticking by me when no one else would, you were there when I was at the lowest possible point.
I’ll never forget the memories we’ve made, the moments we’ve shared.
I’ll never forget our friendship.
I’m sorry x