I’ve ruined every single friendship I’ve had. 

This is by far probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to write. 

All throughout my life I’ve struggled to make friends, I’ve struggled even more to keep friends.  I’ve never found it easy, I’ve always felt like the odd one out, the insanely jealous friend who has no reason at all to be.

It’s not easy being my friend… I know. 

I can maintain a solid friendship for a prolonged period of time, but as soon as something changes no matter how trivial or small it sends me into panic mode. I want to escape. 

I’ll push them away.  I push them away that much that they never want to speak again. 

I get scared, 

I get jealous,

I panic, 

My immediate reaction is to pull back, isolate myself from any conversation and revert back to before we even knew one another. 

I guess sometimes I expect to much from my friendships, I like to believe I’m not a bad friend, there are so many good qualities in people, we should always focus on the positive qualities and try and ignore the niggling thoughts of doubt. 

No one likes being lonely do they? For me I have no one else to blame but myself, some of these people do nothing but support and care about me but I still manage to fuck it up. 

To those friends I’ve hurt, 

I’m sorry, I wish I was a better friend,  I will never forget the support and love you’ve shown me throughout our friendships. 

You are not to blame, the blame lies solely with me, I don’t make it easy for us to maintain a friendship, infact I probably make it more difficult that its needs to be. 

I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, sticking by me when no one else would, you were there when I was at the lowest possible point. 

I’ll never forget the memories we’ve made, the moments we’ve shared. 

I’ll never forget our friendship. 

I’m sorry x

4 thoughts on “I’ve ruined every single friendship I’ve had. 

  1. Hi James

    It could have been me that had written your post. I’m exactly the same. I f**k up friendships when I really don’t mean to, but completely manage to do. I’ve done it pretty recently with a guy who could have been a decent friend and I can imagine he hates me now and I can’t blame him.

    Cheers

    Elaine

  2. Thanks for sharing-this is also so true about me and obviously every relationship I’ve ever had. Thanks for expressing yourself. And in case anyone who was my friend gets to read this I am so very sorry.

    1. Don’t be so hard on yourself though James, it’s definitely not all your fault. Relationships of any kind are a 2 way thing and that you isolate, pull back and panic, I’d be asking myself if I were you what your relationships were like as a child with your family.

      Cheers

      Elaine

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